Chapter 84

The air was quiet for a moment, or maybe several moments.

"Continue what?" Chí Tuò turned off the water, took a towel from the shower, wrapped it around himself, and walked out of the shower.

He hadn’t dried off, his body still radiating heat from the steam.

His tone was calm, as if they were still eating beef noodles.

He just approached, his wet arm crossing over her shoulder to pull up the door handle of the bathroom door that she had accidentally closed earlier. With a click, the door was completely locked.

Ān Yě swallowed.

In that moment, she really wanted to pull out her phone and have Chí Tuò walk through the scene again. She actually felt an overwhelming sense of pressure from this damp man walking towards her.

"I told you..." he said, "I might not be able to hold back."

Ān Yě leaned against the door, tilted her head back, and looked into Chí Tuò’s eyes. "Mhm."

When Chí Tuò closed his eyes and lifted her chin to kiss her, Ān Yě heard her own erratic heartbeat.

She was very aware of her dissociative symptoms during many moments. When she experienced intense emotional fluctuations in real life, her body couldn’t feel them, and her consciousness would float in mid-air, her mind drifting to random thoughts.

It happened the first time she kissed Chí Tuò, and every time after that.

So she would suddenly open her eyes to try to see the person in front of her. That was why when Chí Tuò came back in the middle of the night, showing obvious desire, she froze.

This dissociation had always existed. In her relationships, the only emotion she could truly grasp was dependence. The only thing she could be sure of was her dependence on Chí Tuò.

Everything else, like blushing, racing heartbeats, or a dry mouth, was rare. Or rather, as soon as her body had any related reaction, her mind would already be elsewhere.

The most intense emotional expression she ever had was when she discovered that Chí Tuò had sent messages every year for nine years, hoping that she would be happy.

But the moment she cried then, she saw herself crying clearly.

She still felt empty.

These emotions, which should have been special to her, these beautiful emotions that should make her feel happy, she actually couldn’t grasp.

When kissing, she would wonder what angle they would shoot it from if they were on set.

When she saw Chí Tuò looking at her with deep affection, she thought, "I should capture this."

Like earlier, she wanted Chí Tuò to walk through it again so she could record it.

She was always just a little bit away from her true feelings.

But when Chí Tuò bent down to kiss her, she realized that this time felt a little different.

Maybe it was because the bathroom windows were closed, and the secret space smelled faintly of citrus shower gel. Maybe it was because Chí Tuò was only wearing a towel, or maybe it was because she had been lost in her own thoughts since she impulsively entered earlier.

This time, when their lips met, she didn’t first smell Chí Tuò’s scent, nor did she first feel an invasion.

This time, her mind was completely blank.

She didn’t resist Chí Tuò, didn’t stiffen, and didn’t suddenly open her eyes to look at him.

She only slowly began to hear both of their breathing sounds as Chí Tuò pressed in closer.A little hot.

The humidity in the air suddenly spiked at one point. Chí Tuò’s hair, still wet, had droplets falling down, and the cool water droplets on her skin strangely gave a burning sensation.

"Jiujiu?" Chí Tuò cupped her face, their noses touching, and their breathing was uneven. He called her in a hoarse voice, "Open your eyes."

Ān Yě curled her fingers, and her eyelashes fluttered.

"Jiujiu," she heard Chí Tuò's voice tremble, "We can stop anytime, so don’t be afraid."

Ān Yě opened her eyes.

Chí Tuò’s eyes were red at the corners. He wasn’t afraid of getting too close, his beautiful, wet eyes locked on hers. When he saw her open her eyes, he stopped moving closer and gently held her face, confirming with her: "Jiujiu?"

Ān Yě squinted and smiled. She pressed her fingers into his wet hair and closed her eyes, leaning in.

She didn’t know how to explain to Chí Tuò that it wasn’t fear or distrust. Most of the time, she just felt detached, unreal, so she couldn’t help but want to confirm again and again.

But she felt that, even though she hadn’t spoken it out loud, Chí Tuò understood.

He was extremely patient, but his movements weren’t particularly gentle. They were even a little awkward, clumsy.

The awkwardness was painfully real, his fingers trembling.

And, he never once mentioned moving to the bed.

In this dark, private space that belonged to Chí Tuò, Ān Yě felt his true self very clearly. His hesitation, his care, his restraint.

And, truly, at any moment, he would always prioritize her feelings.

"If you’re uncomfortable, tell me." Chí Tuò half-squatted and leaned her against the wall, almost serving her. He ignored the tightness building in himself, his voice rough as if sandpaper had scraped his throat.

Ān Yě, instinctively curious about this unfamiliar and stimulating feeling, dug her fingers deeper into his hair.

It was so strange, with an annoying itch. Chí Tuò’s breath made her skin break into goosebumps, making it even itchier.

The sense of wetness grew stronger.

"Chí Tuò." Ān Yě found herself breathing heavily, her voice no less ragged than his.

The man who had said they could stop at any time immediately did so. He paused for a moment, gripping her waist tightly, took a long deep breath, then lifted his head.

"Hm?" He could only utter a single syllable.

"You... What now?" Her voice was thick with desire and a hint of confusion.

Things were developing differently than she expected. She hadn’t realized that Chí Tuò had been solving things for her from the start.

Chí Tuò paused for half a second.

They were still pressed against the wall. Slowly, Chí Tuò stood up, his body still wet, not sure whether it was sweat or water he hadn’t dried off.

He stood close to her, kissed her ear, and sighed helplessly: "I didn’t prepare those things..."

He was afraid he might not be able to hold back, so he had left himself a final line of defense.

He hadn’t expected Ān Yě didn’t want him to keep holding back.

Ān Yě was speechless for a while.She tugged the big fool's head down because they were so close, and she felt like he might explode.

"I'll help you," she said.

She tried.

"You teach me," she corrected herself, her face slightly flushed.

"…No need." Chí Tuò’s body was very hot. "I can't control it."

"What happens if you can't control it?" It was too intimate, and Ān Yě didn't even think to restrain her words.

Chí Tuò fell silent for half a second.

He first grabbed Ān Yě's hands, which were roaming out of curiosity, and pressed her wrists above her head.

"Use something else..." Chí Tuò kissed her earlobe, pressing even closer.

Their breathing mixed together again, and Chí Tuò repeatedly called her "Ān Jiujiu" in her ear, his voice filled with longing and wetness.

Ān Yě closed her eyes again.

The sensation of being truly touched, of having her soul pressed by the weight of the reality, was so new.

There was a bit of heat and pain between her legs. Chí Tuò’s breathing became heavier. When her emotions were about to drift away, his breath pulled her back bit by bit to her body.

The raw, naked desire had weight.

In that moment, Ān Yě even understood why she would have such cravings when she was sleepy.

She actually needed this kind of weight.

Real, something that made her deeply feel the weight of her emotions, something that made the feeling of being loved solid and real.

The fusion of body and soul made her feel needed, desired, and made her feel her own existence.

"Jiujiu..." The intensity in the last sound Chí Tuò made made Ān Yě’s heart tighten.

She hugged him back.

He was gently stroking her hair, kissing her neck, his muscles taut. The sound of their breathing echoed clearly in the closed bathroom.

It was deeply intimate.

It even felt like fate.

Two hours later, the two of them fell asleep in each other's arms, with a cat between them.

"Would you think I’m weird if I bought you something now?" Chí Tuò dug Ān Yě out from under the pillow, who was already half asleep.

Ān Yě: "…No, but it’s really late."

It was 1:30 AM.

Chí Tuò hummed and flipped over.

Two minutes later, he flipped back and shifted Lao Bai, who had snuck over while he turned, back towards his feet.Ān Yě: "…Chí Tuò, if you don’t sleep, I’ll hit you."

They’ve been excited for two hours. Although he was a professional insomniac, she wasn’t—she loved to sleep.

Chí Tuò curled up behind Ān Yě in the blankets, resting his chin on her neck.

A minute later, he rubbed his nose against her neck.

Ān Yě: "…"

She turned over, using both hands to squish Chí Tuò’s face into a lump, not saying a word, just glaring at this lump.

He was so happy.

The smile in his eyes couldn’t be hidden.

"Actually, we still haven’t done anything," she teased him. "If you keep acting like this without seeing the world, I’m really worried one day you’ll have a brain hemorrhage."

Chí Tuò: "…"

He raised his foot and used his toes to rub Ān Yě’s soles.

Ān Yě was the most ticklish on her feet. She loosened her hands and struggled to pull away. Halfway through, she realized she was pinned down by Chí Tuò and couldn’t move, so she reached out to scratch his waist.

The two adults ended up in a mess, playfully tussling under the blankets.

Breathing heavily, staring up at the ceiling, Ān Yě let out a very curious sigh.

"What?" Chí Tuò finally returned to normal, his arm under her neck, his fingers gently twisting her ear—actually, this kind of intimacy wasn’t frequent, but he seemed to have already gotten used to it.

His fingers could now skillfully trace the outline of her left ear, accurately tapping the spot where her ear bone was.

Ān Yě turned over to face him, struggling to describe how she felt.

It was very... relaxed.

Like the relief of running five laps under the blazing sun as a child, completely exhausted and empty.

"Dr. Yang often asks me to recall my childhood," Ān Yě said. "When I hit those emotional triggers, he asks me to imagine that scene, to picture myself in it."

This was the first time Ān Yě mentioned her psychological therapy to Chí Tuò.

Chí Tuò hummed and patted her head.

Ān Yě continued, sharing: "I could never really see it clearly. It’s like I was all gray back then, just squatting there, motionless."

Chí Tuò’s hand paused for a moment, and he kissed her forehead.

"Today..." Ān Yě raised her hand, lifting both her hand and Chí Tuò's towards the ceiling. The size difference was just a finger's width, both of them having slender hands and similar skin tones, very harmonious. "Just now, I felt like she moved a bit."

The child, in her teens, who had been squatting there, not knowing what she was thinking, slightly raised her head.

Ān Yě laughed as she spoke.

Chí Tuò hugged her tightly, not telling her that when he went to therapy, he also saw himself as gray, standing still.

And he, as soon as Ān Yě told him to try, had already reached out his hand.

He had enough motivation and courage to pull himself out.And Ān Yě, finally, had the strength to save herself.